


Lonely

by Riversdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Confessions, Cuddling, Dean is hopelessly in love, First Kiss, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sam Knows, canonverse, season 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 15:19:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16875270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riversdestiel/pseuds/Riversdestiel
Summary: Sometimes you're just lonely. And if you're Dean, you wallow in it.





	Lonely

Lonely. Just really fucking lonely. This was Dean’s life now.

Sam took Jack out to a movie tonight. Some movie about emotions and crap that Dean was not about to go see. Cas was just gone, doing god knows what. It has been happening more lately. He’s always alone. And he fucking hates it.

If only he had the courage to say something to them. Tell them he’s feeling depressed, that he wants to be around people. But he can’t. He can’t seem weak. He doesn’t even know why he’s feeling this way, he just is.

He should be happy. Jack is healthy and safe, they don’t have to worry about him dying anymore after Rowena found a strong protection spell from some witch on the other side of the world. Of course they owe that witch a favor now, but it was worth it. They’d all do anything for Jack. 

Sam is happy. He was able to get all the other universe people out of their bunker. They got their own places, shacked up with other hunters, and just spread out. Sam was able to do that for them. He really is a good leader.

Cas… Well Cas is always a bit of mystery. But he seems happy too. He practically jumped for joy when Rowena came to the bunker a few weeks ago with that spell. God, Cas loves Jack, his son. Who knows what would’ve happened to Cas if Jack didn’t make it. But Jack did make it and Cas still leaves. Sometimes he says where he’s going, and other times he just disappears, like today.

But what does Dean care, right? His best buddy can go out and do whatever he wants.

He should be happy that everyone else is happy. Sure Michael is still out there and needed to be dealt with, but for now everything was normal. More normal than things have been in a while.

So why does he feel so damn sad?

Thoughts of his angel run through his mind right now. No, not his angel. Just Cas. Cas isn’t his. 

But damn, what if he could be? What if he could have Cas and have his life as a hunter? That’s the dream… well at least it has been the dream for ten years. But Dean knows he’d fuck it up. He knows Cas would just get tired of him. Dean would yell or say something stupid and Cas would leave. Jack would leave with Cas. And Sam would be so disgusted with his brother that he would leave too. No one would come back. He’d be all alone. And he can’t have that.

Shit. Dean runs his hand down his face and gets up from his seat at the kitchen table that he’s been moping at for over an hour, while picking at his dinner. He needs to pull himself together. Sam and Jack only left an hour ago, and they’d be back in a couple hours. 

Cas left sometime in the morning. When Dean went into the kitchen this morning, Sam said that Cas went out. Of course Cas told Sam, and not Dean. Why would Dean be foolish enough to think that Cas would actually want to be with him anyways? He never tells Dean anything.

Until he does. Cas does tell him when he’s excited about something. It could be something minimal, like when Cas got excited about making his own emoji on his phone. He wouldn’t stop sending it to Dean. He even sent Dean ones where his emoji was giving a kiss. That had to have been a mistake though, Cas doesn’t feel that way about him.

Sure, he and Cas spend a lot of time together. Yeah, they have these intense stares. But that doesn’t mean anything.

Well doesn’t mean anything to Cas. Dean on the other hand, he feels like he can’t breathe when looking at Cas. He’s so beautiful. God, Dean feels stupid for using beautiful to describe a man, but that’s the truth. Cas is the most beautiful person he’s ever laid eyes on. His eyes… Dean could look into them forever. Endless seas of blue. The most beautiful shade of blue he’s ever seen. 

Black may have been his favorite color growing up, but blue has been at the top for the last ten years, though no one needs to know why.

He feels ridiculous. He’s been harboring this crush, and he feels even stupider for thinking the word crush, for almost ten damn years. That’s a long time. When he first laid eyes on Cas, my God. He was stunned. Cas, well Castiel at the time, was hard, demanding, and the hottest thing Dean had ever seen. Of course, Dean was confused as hell because he was straight.

Sure, maybe not the straightest person out there. He may have looked at men before, but never felt this drawn to someone.

That had taken some getting used to. Dean had to come to terms with being attracted to a guy, well an angel. Overall it was really a lot going on in his mind. But he got used to it, he got comfortable with liking Cas. Their connection has gotten stronger over the years. Dean stopped having sex with random women all the time. In fact, it has been years since he went to a bar to pick up a woman. He doesn’t feel the need to anymore. He’s fine just being with Cas, even if they’re just friends.

Yeah he still has to take care of his needs, and he may think about Cas in the shower, but no one else needs to know that. He can’t help it when blue eyes, brown hair, and that damn trench coat take over his thoughts. Of course, he usually is thinking about what Cas hides under the coat and suit. Those few times he’s seen Cas without that suit on…

Dean rolls his eyes at himself as he walks into the library, not the time for those thoughts right now. Since he’s lonely and bored as hell, he might as well research a case. Maybe he can take Jack out with him later in the week, the kid has been itching to go back out since he got better.

Dean opens up the laptop and starts his search. It has gotten a lot easier to find cases now that Sam and ‘other world’ Charlie set up a system all over the US. Dean really doesn’t know how it works, well Sam has tried to explain it to him, but it always sounds really nerdy and Dean zones out. 

He tries to stay focused on finding a case, not letting his mind wander to a certain angel he’s missing. He actually does good focusing once he’s sifting through all the possible cases. He found one that would be perfect for Jack, they’ll leave tomorrow if the kid is up for it.

Dean smiles and leans back in his seat. One second he’s alone and the next he hears a flutter of wings and Cas is sitting in front of him.

A long time ago, it would’ve made Dean jump. His sudden appearances used to scare the shit out of him. 

Now, he just smiles. Cas looks so beautiful. His brown hair sticking up in different directions. His trench coat wide open. His deep blue eyes staring back at Dean. He returns Dean’s smile.

“Cas.” Dean smirks, “You’re back.”

“Hello, Dean.” Cas answers in that deep sultry voice of his.

They don’t say more. They just stare. 

Sam always coughs or starts talking when their stares get intense, like this one. But no one is here to stop them. Dean doesn’t want to be stopped. He wants to stare into Cas’ eyes for the rest of his life.

“Dean, are you feeling well?” Cas’ voice is lined with concern for Dean.

Dean tries to refrain from rolling his eyes, Cas and his constant worry for Dean’s health, “Yeah Cas, healthy as a horse.”

Cas returns Dean with one of his confused head tilts, “I am not sure what a horse has to do with anything. But I was not talking about your health, Dean. I sense this longing coming from you.”

Dean takes a breath. Cas always knows.

“I have been sensing it a lot more lately. I know you don’t like me doing that, but I can’t help it sometimes. That’s why I haven’t brought it up. But whenever we’re alone, I feel it.” Cas’ voice gets quieter as he speaks.

“Cas…” Dean sighs.

“It’s fine Dean, we don’t need to talk about. Sorry for bringing it up.” Cas stands from his seat in front of Dean. “I think I’ll head to my room for the night.”

“Cas.”

“Have a good night, Dean.” Cas nods and retreats from the room. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yells when Cas is gone.

Dumbass. What a fucking dumbass. If he would’ve just spoke up and said something to Cas. But no, he has to wimp out and let Cas leave.

Cas seemed different. His reaction, like he was hurt. But that couldn’t be, why would he be hurt?

Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe Cas likes him back. But that would be…

Just then the doors to the bunker open with Sam and Jack discussing the movie they saw.

Jack looked over to Dean, “Dean! You missed out. It was so good! You should have come with us.”

“Maybe next time, kid.” Dean smiled, he really does love that kid. “Oh yeah, I found a case for us. What do you say, Jack? You, me, and ghosts tomorrow?”

Jack smiles that big toothy smile, that reminds him of Cas, “I would love that, Dean!” Then he says his good night’s and goes to his room.

“So did you cry in the movie, like the big moose you are?” Dean looked up at Sam.

Sam gave him the finger, and went into explaining the movie to him. If Dean was being honest, it actually sounded like it would’ve been good. Maybe he could take Cas to see it. He smiles to himself thinking that Cas would like that.

“Dude, what’s with your face?” Sam’s comment pulls Dean out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“Your face. Why are you just smiling? And it’s like this weird secretive smile. Ya know, like the one you use when talking about Cas… Oh I get it.”

“Shut up, Sam.” Dean snaps.

“Dean.” Sam says firmly. “Why don’t you just tell him?”

“Tell him what?” Dean keeps him tone even, there is no way he and Sam are about to have this conversation.

“Oh, don’t give me that crap. You like him. You like Cas.” Sam holds up his hand to stop Dean from interrupting. “I’ve been tiptoeing around this for years and I’m done. You like him. You deserve to be happy, Dean.”

Sam waits for Dean to say something, and surprisingly, he doesn’t, so he continues, “You know I don’t care that you like him, right? Like it doesn’t matter that he’s a guy.”

Then Dean speaks up, “Well technically he’s an angel.” Sam looks up to give Dean one of his signature bitch faces. “Alright, alright. Yeah he’s a guy. That’s not weird?”

“Dean, what’s weird is having you not admit you’re in love with him. It’s been years. You deserve to be happy.”

“What is he doesn’t like me, Sammy.” Dean says it so quietly, that Sam almost couldn’t hear it.

“Awh man. You know that’s not true right? He literally saved you from hell. He risks his life over and over again for you. He comes when you call. He heals you. You literally eye fuck all the time.” Sam laughs.

Dean blushes at his brother’s choice of wording, “You really think so? I can’t mess this up, man.”

“There’s no way he isn’t in love with you too, Dean.” Sam sounds very confident.

Dean doesn’t comment on Sam saying that Dean is also in love with Cas. He hugs Sam and leaves the library. Instead of heading to his own room, he goes over to Cas’ instead. 

With a tentative knock on the door, Cas’ deep voice comes from inside, “Yes?”

Dean slowly opens the door to see Cas sitting on top of his bed. His back is against the headboard and his trench coat and suit jacket are thrown over a chair. Cas is looking up from a book, he recognizes it from the library.

“Hello Dean.” Cas greets him, as he always does.

“Hey Cas. Can we talk?” Dean’s feeling shy and nervous and he hates it.

Cas can tell because his eyebrows come together in that confused look he does. “What would you like to talk about, Dean?”

Always with the formalities.

“Cas… about earlier,”

“No Dean, I am sorry. I should not have pried.”

“No Cas! It’s really okay. I should have said this then.” Dean takes a breath. “You were feeling a sense of longing because I am longing for something. Well more like someone.”

Cas’ stare gets more intense, and he nods his head as if for Dean to continue.

“I’m longing for you, Cas.”

Cas finally closes his book and puts it on his side table. Then he turns back to Dean and moves closer.

They stare. They stare that intense stare.

“I think I’m in love with you Cas.” Dean blurts out.

Cas’ face turns up into the biggest smile Dean has ever seen on him.

“Think?” Is all Cas responds with.

Dean sighs, because he was expecting more. “Know. I know I’m in love with you. I’ve known for a long time.”

Cas leaps forward and brings Dean into a body crushing hug, although Dean doesn’t mind. Dean savors the hug and hugs Cas back as hard as he can. 

When they pull away, Cas smiles. “I love you too, Dean. I love you more than all of humanity. I’ve loved you since the moment I saw your soul in hell. I’ve loved you when you had the Mark, and when you were a demon. I’ve loved you even when it seemed like you hated me. You have always had the most beautiful soul I have ever seen. You are beautiful, Dean Winchester.”

Dean is definitely not crying. There is definitely not tears lining his eyes right now.

Okay, screw it. Dean is the happiest he’s been in his life right now and he doesn’t care if he’s crying. 

Cas’ hands come up to wipe the few tears that rolled down Dean’s face. “You are worthy, Dean. You are worthy of love and affection. You deserve happiness and joy. I want to give all of that to you.”

Dean smiles and does not believe this is real. His angel loves him back. Cas loves him back!  
Dean softly takes Cas’ face into his hands. They stare and share loving smiles. Dean leans in and pulls Cas into their first kiss.

It’s soft and sensual. It’s loving and full of lust. It’s all Dean has ever wanted out of his first kiss with Cas.

When Dean pulls away to breathe, Cas keeps him close. Their foreheads are pressed together as Dean catches his breath.

“Wow.” Dean breathes, as Cas pulls him in again.

This time Cas takes the lead and licks his tongue along the seam of Dean’s lips. Dean happily opens his mouth, and Cas’ tongue is soon met with his own. They slide together nicely. It’s heated and it’s the kind of kiss Dean has dreamt about many times before.

They make out for a while, not taking it any farther, even though Dean can tell Cas would be more than willing to.

The truth is, Dean doesn’t want to. Well he does, obviously. But he really just wants to be here with Cas now, his Cas. 

After they pull away for another breath, Dean suggests, “Can we just lay down together right now?”

Cas smiles widely at him, “Of course, Dean.”

Dean was about to lay down, fully-clothed, “You really are going to sleep in your clothes, Dean?”

“Uhh.” Dean wasn’t really sure what to do here.

“Take off your clothes, Dean.” Cas responded, “I don’t bite. Unless that’s what you like.”

Dean practically started choking and looked back over to see Cas’ eyes sparking with laughter. Dean shook his head and stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt. 

He watches as Cas takes off his own dress pants and button down shirt. Cas is standing there in just his boxers. Dean groans because this is literally out of every wet dream he’s had lately.

“Should I put on a shirt?” Cas questions, looking down at himself seeing he’s barely dressed.

“As much as I want to say no, yeah you should. I just want to lay with you tonight and if you are lying next to me practically naked, I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist.” Dean rakes his eyes up and down Cas again.

This turn it’s Cas’ turn to blush, as he turns toward the dresser to pull out one of Dean’s old shirts that he gave Cas. 

Cas turns around and Dean groans again, “Damn you look hot in my shirt.”

Cas both blushes and smirks at the compliment. They lay down together under the covers and Cas snuggles up next to Dean. 

“This is nice. I think I’ll try to sleep tonight.” Cas whispers as Dean holds him in his arms.

Dean hums, “Yeah I could get used to this, being with you, holding you.”

“I love you, Dean.”

“Love you, Cas”

They fall asleep in each other’s arms not long after, both with hearts filled of love.

 

Dean wakes up happy. Really fucking happy. The happiest he’s been in a long time. And it might have something to do with the sleeping angel that’s wrapped around his waist. Okay, Cas has everything to do with Dean being happy right now.

Dean moves his hand to stroke across Cas’ beautiful face. 

Just then Cas stirs, “I can’t believe you slept all night.” Dean smiles.

“Me neither, maybe because you are just so comfortable.” Cas snuggles in closer to Dean’s side.

They just hold each other for a while, happy to be with each other like they’ve wanted to be for a long time.

“I can’t believe this is real.” Dean says into Cas’ ear, before he kisses his cheek.

“Well believe it, because I am never letting you go.” Cas says with so much love.

Dean is smiling more this morning than he has in years, “Thank you, Cas, for giving me everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I love you, Dean.” Cas leans in and kisses Dean like he is the most precious person on Earth, because to Cas that is exactly what Dean is.

 

Sure Dean will probably still be lonely sometimes, but now he has Cas to make him feel better. And that is all he has ever wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling lonely myself and this is what came out of it.  
> I hope you enjoyed! If so feel free to leave a kudos and let me know what you think in the comments below!  
> Follow me on twitter at @riversdestiel to fangirl/boy with me.


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